I Find Myself Conflicted Regarding the Harrison Butker Commencement Speech

Did you hear about the NFL kicker who ruffled tons of feathers the other day with his commencement speech at a catholic college?

If you missed it, or you would like to see what all the uproar is about (because you are nosy like me and enjoy the chisme), you can find it here.

I found several reels on my social media feed yesterday morning literally cussing this man out and calling him a misogynist a-hole and how dare he tell women they only belong in the kitchen. So naturally, I had to listen to this speech for myself. Social media content is created specifically for reactions, and as I like to think of myself as a fairly logical individual with a slight flair for the dramatic, I wanted to at least have a solid idea of what was actually said (and take in context) before I decided to crucify him.

Now before I get called a pick me (which, honestly, is a weak response to an opposing point of view) there were some parts of the speech that I disagreed with. The biggest being his assumption in his speech that the majority of the women graduating that day were most looking forward to being a wife and a mother. I think that could have been left unsaid. The women who were gathered in that audience, celebrating an incredible achievement of graduating after years of hard work and sacrifice. All that to say though, if you are unfamiliar with christian colleges, this sentiment of getting married and having children is a common one. I worked at a large christian university in southern california for a few years. I regularly heard the phrase "ring before spring" across campus. The vocation of wife and mother are heavily celebrated across religious institutions and churches alike. "The utmost highest calling for a woman" according to many.

I understand where he was coming from, or at least what he was trying to state in his speech. I just don't think he articulated it very well.

When addressing the women who were graduating, he stated the following:

“I think it is you, the women who have had the most diabolical lies told to you,” Butker said in his speech. “Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.”

If you take that quote merely at face value, yes. It is infuriating. The first time I listened to his speech, my eyes rolled so far into my head I thought there was no recovery for them. They were going to stay like that forever. Again, since I like to think of myself as a critical thinker, and in taking in all parts of his speech, I can kind of pick apart what he meant by "diabolical lies" being told to us. I can also choose to ignore it.

I am sick to death of people, men especially, telling women what their true worth is and informing us what the ultimate calling of our lives should be. It was the assumptive part in his speech that annoyed me the most. I am not the only one.

Just as he is allowed to share his opinion, as am I. Please. Stop. Assuming. That marriage and motherhood are what we all dream about and wish for and that is the greatest vocation for all women.

I can assure you, that the majority of women there were not thinking about motherhood and marriage. They were elated and thinking to themselves that they did it. All the sacrifice and hard work was worth it. Yes, perhaps in the future they may go on to get married, start a family, which is all good and wonderful. But no. I don't believe that most women who are graduating now are thinking mostly about how their life will really begin when they find their future spouse and be mommy.

When it comes to the domestic, why is it the women who are reminded constantly that marriage and motherhood is the greatest calling? How often do we hear men tell men that being married and being a faithful husband and father is the greatest calling on a man? I am not stating that it is never said. I am stating that is rarely heard.

We also know that there are many women who won't be able to have children, or they may never get married. They may not even want that type of life. Why do we consider that the greatest calling that ever existed, if it is not the same for men? Why is that the standard for women? Why not both?

It is a great pleasure of mine to have my children. They bring me incredible joy and I love them so much. Everything I choose to do is to support them. I also love to work. I love to make money. I love to serve. I love to provide. I love doing things with my hands and my words. I love making this world and the communities I surround myself in a better place. I love encouraging women. The greatest gift I gave my children was for them to observe how I worked and sacrificed and gave and accomplished even while going through the most difficult season of our lives. You can't take that away from me.

How come we can't tell women and men that the greatest calling you can have is the one God called you to? If I remember some parts of scripture correctly, it was 1 Corinthians, where Paul wished that all were single, as he was, so that they could serve the Lord without the distractions of serving another person. In fact, the reason marriage was even encouraged in the first place was due to sexual immorality, so it was better for men and women to marry so that they would not sin! (Read 1 Corinthians 7:1-9). If you don't consider yourself particularly religious, this does not really apply to you and feel free to skip ahead. However, understand that within Mr. Butker's speech, he was talking within his beliefs as a catholic man and at a catholic school. So I felt the need to address scripture here.

I am still searching for the bible verse that states that the greatest vocation for women is by being a wife and a mother.

This all leads me to my next thought: maybe my issue isn't really with his speech, but the opinions of those on both the opposing and supporting sides.

We have those who agree with the speech saying things like:

"I thought the speech was great! Women just love being dramatic and want to be victims"

"Women clearly didn't hear correctly. They must listen with a different set of eardrums."

"Being married and being a mother is the greatest calling. Nothing compares."

"Mr. Butker was correct. Women don't know how to take care of the home anymore because they are so focused on themselves. They are selfish."

Enter the opposing side:

"F you, Harrison Butker!

"He just wants women to stay at home and be pregnant and be slaves to their husbands."

"That speech was sexist."

"He should not speak for women. His poor wife having to deal with him."

"The speech implied that women should not have careers or strive to do make a mark in the outside world. That women should solely focus on finding the love of their lives and make babies."

When it comes to Mr. Butker's speech, I fall in the middle. Quite frankly, I just didn't really care for him telling female college graduates that they have been lied to as they sit in their accomplishments wearing their cap and gowns. That is my opinion. If I had proof-read his speech, I might have tweaked his words to be more supportive of the women going forward into a new, unclear future and move them to live out their true calling, whatever that may look like for them.

I did appreciate how tender he was toward his wife, and how he acknowledged her and praised her in front the audience. He chose to do that. I believe it is because he does recognize the sacrifice his wife made so that he could do what he does. What wife wouldn't want their husband to do that? He is able to provide for his family in ways many people cannot. She is afforded the priviledge of being able to stay at home with their children and be a constant presence. I don't shame her for that at all. I was a stay at home mom for eight years prior to going back to work full time. I really did enjoy being with my babies during that time. However, I also wanted to work and use my gifts and provide financially for the household. I wanted both.

That should be okay. That should be encouraged. That also should not define women and make us feel like we are imposters because we may desire something very different than what others expect of us.

Ladies, while it is true that your worth is not found in your accomplishments, promotions and bank account, you can still celebrate those without feeling bad. It also true that those of you who do not have careers, and instead have chosen to be at home caring for your family, that should be celebrated as well, and it also does not measure your value as a woman. Should you do both: have a career you love and you have a family you hold dear and care for, that is wonderful. We are celebrating you as well.

Your DreamBuildHer Bestie,

Tiffany Rhea